July 9, 2011
My mind right now is in total state of insanity. I don’t know what to say. I.. don’t... know... what.. to say. I don’t know what to say anymore when a friend of mine just told me that maybe I really don’t love him and he’s not also into me. He told me not to believe him anyway because it was just his opinion, though it’s messing up my whole system and I, for sure, am terrible at this moment plus this colds I have is getting on my nerves since last week. I don’t want to cry because I don’t like to see me crying with such a never-ending-story-of-him-and-me-ever-since-kindergarten. It’s pathetic. Yes, it is. No way to find anything at this moment to make me laugh or even just smile because the friend who does that for me is the same guy who said “he doesn’t love you”. Oh my God, so I’m over reacting or what? Somehow, I felt some kind of weird intuition that I’m not in love with the former but it was like a wonderful thing to know that the guy was making me feel that I love him and that he loves me too. Well, there are times when I don’t think about him (the guy). True. There’s a part in my head which would convince me he is not… but to tell things straight my heart says he is, plus the other part of my head that actually made him weighed more. I planned to make the right thing but I’m afeard of knowing the fact that maybe he is not for me… “Maybe I really don’t love him. Maybe he’s not my exception… he’s just the rule per se, just one of the experiences. Cute experience.” My friend told me that he doesn’t want to hurt me but he’s actually doing it right at the moment he told me so, right after those words came out from his thought and put into typing. I failed to tell him that it’s fine, that what he has done was part of being a true friend, that there’s nothing to worry if I drooped and sighed for anxiety thinking about what he just told me. “If I were to wish one thing right now… I want him to be the exception. I want him be mine.” Instead of saying that it was quite poetic, my friend said I shouldn’t be thinking about that because it’s not actually going to be a happy ending. My friend has his concerns for the rest of the friends he has and I’m probably one of his top concerns at this moment for maybe I’m in love and I need to be cautious in whatever decisions I may come up with. Appreciation was all I can give because gratitude is neither a piece of idea in my mind, there’s got to be somewhere along the time when I realize that he was true. “I ♥ you, Mister Spiderman,” it’s a statement I photographed to be my wallpaper thingy. And he was the Spiderman I’m talking about, he was forever tattooed in me wherever he goes and whoever I go mingling with. Because after all those times he wasn’t with me and with that girlfriend he has, after all the guys who became part of my life, after all the missed hours we haven’t done anything, he’s been on my mind, inserted, as if telling me ‘don’t forget me yet, I’ll come back for you… I’m just finding my time’.
Yet, I really have to face the fact that there is the possibility of – you love me or you don’t love me, after all. Goodbye.