Sunday, July 10, 2011


July 9, 2011


9:44:25 pm

My mind right now is in total state of insanity. I don’t know what to say. I.. don’t... know... what.. to say. I don’t know what to say anymore when a friend of mine just told me that maybe I really don’t love him and he’s not also into me. He told me not to believe him anyway because it was just his opinion, though it’s messing up my whole system and I, for sure, am terrible at this moment plus this colds I have is getting on my nerves since last week. I don’t want to cry because I don’t like to see me crying with such a never-ending-story-of-him-and-me-ever-since-kindergarten. It’s pathetic. Yes, it is. No way to find anything at this moment to make me laugh or even just smile because the friend who does that for me is the same guy who said “he doesn’t love you”. Oh my God, so I’m over reacting or what? Somehow, I felt some kind of weird intuition that I’m not in love with the former but it was like a wonderful thing to know that the guy was making me feel that I love him and that he loves me too. Well, there are times when I don’t think about him (the guy). True. There’s a part in my head which would convince me he is not… but to tell things straight my heart says he is, plus the other part of my head that actually made him weighed more. I planned to make the right thing but I’m afeard of knowing the fact that maybe he is not for me… “Maybe I really don’t love him. Maybe he’s not my exception… he’s just the rule per se, just one of the experiences. Cute experience.” My friend told me that he doesn’t want to hurt me but he’s actually doing it right at the moment he told me so, right after those words came out from his thought and put into typing. I failed to tell him that it’s fine, that what he has done was part of being a true friend, that there’s nothing to worry if I drooped and sighed for anxiety thinking about what he just told me. “If I were to wish one thing right now… I want him to be the exception. I want him be mine.” Instead of saying that it was quite poetic, my friend said I shouldn’t be thinking about that because it’s not actually going to be a happy ending. My friend has his concerns for the rest of the friends he has and I’m probably one of his top concerns at this moment for maybe I’m in love and I need to be cautious in whatever decisions I may come up with. Appreciation was all I can give because gratitude is neither a piece of idea in my mind, there’s got to be somewhere along the time when I realize that he was true. “I ♥ you, Mister Spiderman,” it’s a statement I photographed to be my wallpaper thingy. And he was the Spiderman I’m talking about, he was forever tattooed in me wherever he goes and whoever I go mingling with. Because after all those times he wasn’t with me and with that girlfriend he has, after all the guys who became part of my life, after all the missed hours we haven’t done anything, he’s been on my mind, inserted, as if telling me ‘don’t forget me yet, I’ll come back for you… I’m just finding my time’.

Yet, I really have to face the fact that there is the possibility of – you love me or you don’t love me, after all. Goodbye.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Fix Me Before I Bid Goodbye

T'was a fine bright day
When she t0ld me she has s0methng to say,
Then i asked what was it
She only said,"I'll tell you when we meet",
After a sec0nd, she put d0wn the ph0ne
Without telling me where will we c0nfabulate next m0rn.

Then the f0llowng m0rning came,
So excitd to listen of what she aims,
To speak next to me
And utter w0rds - whatevr will it be.

As i walkd thru d gallery,
I saw her with a c0mpany,
Who b0re an unfamiliar face
And was ab0ut to gve her a stunning ncklace.

I accidntally h0ld off my pen
And it br0ke the silence of the c0rrid0r then.

There she saw me standng near
And made her to appr0ach me in dear,
I greetd them a simple "hi",
Even th0ugh i'm startng to feel uneasy inside,
She resp0nd a blissful "hello"
And also the strange guy did so,
Them i grinned & made a smile
Just to sh0w i'm still fine in a while.

She startd intr0ducng me to him -
Giving me an obscure and sense of dim;
Then the wheel turnd into its opp0site r0und -
Where n0w she uttrs s0und
And w0rds to usher in
For me to kn0w him within.

"By the way, this Anth0ny, my b0yfriend"

After hearing th0s w0rdz frm hr
Seems my b0dy l0st its gravity -
Wher i can n0 l0nger bear
The whole of me 'cuz it's n t0rpidty,
And wher i can n0 l0nger c0ntr0l
The teardr0ps fr0m my eyes' s0ul.

I tried n0t to b to0 obvi0us
Though i was lyk sh0t by a blundrbuss
And was lyk stabbd by sw0rds
By her true heart-aching w0rds.

'Til n0w the w0und she causd hurts,
This heart of myn alm0st bursts,
For the platelets in my veins are bl0cking
That causes my cessati0n of breathng,
Wher the only remedy s to accpt the pain
And to c0ntr0l myself n0t to b insane,
But rathr only sh0ut and cry --
"Fix me bef0re i bid g0odbye".

-Jeff Paulo Saad


Stressed ponderous shoulders,
Countless sleepless nights
And never-ending fears
Held off my ever wondering sights.

Regrets of yesterday's faults
Follow me 'til my dormant dusk,
And run after of on my morn executes
Which give me worries since the past.
Hope these won't be until eternity
'Cause I just want to be free
And escape these awful nightmares
For me to face my present affairs.

Let me elude myself
From you dearest regret
Let me have my liberty
Because you seemed to be a silent death threat.

-Jeff Paulo Saad

Saturday, June 11, 2011


All alone I saw the set of the sun,
'twas still blazing like the roadrunners run.
Wandering thoughts from a pilgrim within.
Watched what's the next connection from what's been.
Teardrops to my cheek;
a hungry brain and a heart so sick.
And all alone I saw the set of the sun;
it seemed from me, it shunned.
Busybodies all around so stressed;
the nagging of a whole day's non-rest,
to learn and to earn stipend,
remuneration from a moil's spent.
I got weary and left alone.
Playing with leaves wind-blown.
But never mind, they never mind
just intoxicating but never mind...

Tilted head I stared again...
Beneath those canopy a yen.
It shouted and roared through my nerves;
and bounced back the earth's curves.
Red roses and white ones,
I want those mine be mine at once.
With tilted head I stared again...
Yet they're not coming back again.
The dust covered the mobile clouds;
chain of islets along with mounts.
I could not see anything the least
just tinted chain on my wrist.
I didn't understand the fall,
I fell several times before.
But what hurt the most was that --
the last fall with gore so glut.

The rain dropped as my wound bleed,
like over-poaching pain I can't get rid.
Over the escarpment and plateau
my mind kept wandering to and fro.
Wind whistled with rushing waves; I pry,
thunder rolled across the heavy sky.
Still the rain dropped as my wound bleed.
Melancholy. Silence. I pondered and ceased --
from everything that burdened me.
I stood alone --- Reality!
O! It tingled, flowed my veins..
no more sick heart and hungry brains.
I wiped the teardrops from my cheeks;
while sung the bird with yellow beak.
Apocryphal, yet it was true -
I learned living without you.

CHANGE --- was all thou can ever give.
Even I could never believe.
It's modern and possessed consistency.
Gradually, it'll be a part of the economy.
See through the cleat firmament;
I see my heart filled with content.
And change is what the world can give,
it bruised and caused a lot of grief!
Oblivious, but sure, I got pretty insane.
I don't used to waste my penny for useless cocaine.
But done were those days I cried,
I sat in the meadow -- deprived.
Along with the flowers alive,
they're dandelions revived!
Because now my sorrows all dead,
I buried them six feet, I said.

Long was the night but 'nconstant;
long was the hopeless wishing grant.
Sun rises, then it sets.
Life goes on, but with a lot of frets.
Life goes on -- with me alone.
Cold as the ambiance of the winter dawn,
yet long was the night but 'nconstant;
long was the helpless wishing grant.
Tomorrow I see a future so nigh
together with the years came by.
Let alone the blissful mem'ries I had
that pained me terribly bad.
Let alone those memories they stay,
until the time I come to lay.
In a sepulcher with wide array;
and, I'll whisper it was then OK.
And, I'll whisper soft and slow...
My past was worth my way to go.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Girl

In front of me was a cup filled with a hot soup. It seemed to torture my lips and my tongue every time I made a sip from it. On my right side was my book by Clare Clark and on my left was my as-if-telling-me-pay-me-heed cell phone. Outside the skies were crying, outstretching their pleas, uttering the thoughts they have as their grains drop on the leaves barely defying it due to less surface tension, and I, unfathomably dead serious, am falling. But just don't know to either which hand I shall be caught.

"Mid - September year twenty ten, you held me by your arms tight yet gentle, whispered me singsong strings of words beneath your breath, murmured something I hardly understood, remembered the auld lang syne sweet and mellifluous. I can feel the sentiments as the warm belch of breath from your mouth dumped against my neck and some area of my shoulder...

There was a moment pause in my preoccupied head. Around me was the nagging of life's facts, the overwhelming conscience, the need to create a master piece of my own, pressure of the wind pressing off my body temporarily making me busted and numbed. This place is dire enough to roam around. This place is full of insecurities, resentment and anguish. A moment still. There, on the corner, I saw a figure blurry but of a resemblance of an idiocy. My eyes curiosity brought my system to entire rapture of the thing I had seen. I couldn't figure out what's making it fuzzy, was it the thing itself or were those stubborn eyes. I peeped closely...

..suddenly, you were half - way out the door, your vivid attention intently searching something in me. Aye! You wanted me to say my last words for you. I had forgotten that you were just holding me that night to equipped myself with higher concentration on how to live life ALONE without thee, without you loving me anymore. I couldn't defy the urging eruption of abrupt intervention on such impeccable quiet night."

My body was already near the figure on the corner. She was sobbing. She kept on tapping her chest as if telling, "It has to be OK". On the left side was a beeping phone, the other side caught my interest... It was a book laid open and undone. As I stared closely, I literally drooped and got knocked off by a strong impression of reality. The girl went on from the I-pity-myself-but-I-have-to-cry situation which was intolerably devastating and alarmingly not kidding. I knew from that time that the crying lass was me, a fresh reflection of me for the passed almost two years that he came up, and gave me his willful GOODBYE.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Open Draft

pen the door, quick!”
Daphne, carrying a bucket filled with left-over, raced towards the barn’s big arched door.

“It’d better be good this time or Prime shall hear of you.” she said while unbolting the door.

“Daphne, it’s not dead! It’s not dead!” shouted the voice.

As she opened the door, there in the entryway was Matt gasping for air yet his face was taut with suppressed excitement. How many miles had he probably run into?

“What is not dead?” Daphne asked. Tense was starting to build up in her whole body as if she is already expecting what is to be said.

“The prophecy Daphne, the prophecy. That is what is not dead.”

Stunned of what she had heard, she dropped the bucket right onto her foot without feeling the pain. Her heart slowed so as the pace of her breathing. Her senses were numbed. Pigs squealed and grunted.

“The prophecy is not dead Daphne.” Matt repeated. “For all these decades, we thought the prophecy had betrayed us. We thought that hope is lost, but no. Hope shall once be restored in our lands Daph.”

“He’s here.” Daphne whispered, still numbed to her senses.

“Hey old lady, are you there? Did you even noticed me or even heard of what I said?” Matt waved his hand in front of her oval-shaped face, snapped his fingers, and did a little dance to get Daphne's attention.

Gathering the strength left in her, she faced Matt. Her face was a perfect display of emotions at play. Together at once, she was full of excitement and fear. Fear.

“Matt, if he is here then, our fate, the one the prophecy tells us.” Daphne gasped.


This is still my first draft. Hope you like it :)

Long Night

It doesn't really matter now that you're gone
You never were around that much to speak of
Didn't think that I could live without you
It couldn't be that hard to live alone

But I'm all, all alone again
Thinking you will never say

Once upon a time we fell in love
And I thought that I would be the only one

But now I'm on, I'm on my own again
Thinking you will never show

And it's gonna be a long night
And it's gonna be cold without your arms
And I'm gonna get stage fright, caught in the headlights
it's gonna be a long night.

Juliet Cabanlit